Thanks guys for being so sweet and supportive. It hurts and is frustrating but I'm feeling hopeful and looking forward.
I was in desperate need of a weekend with no plans. And that was what I got this weekend. Dan was in a training from 8am-6pm and I thoroughly loved having a day to myself!
I slept in and went running across my bridge...
Came home, washed the dog, cleaned, showered, ironed, watched Bones on netflix, painted my nails, made cookies...
I met Dan down in Korea town for yummy Korean. We came home and picked up a few groceries and I randomly grabbed some nesquick! I can't remember the last time I actually drank that deliciousness!
Sunday had lots of puppy snuggles...
I made a white pizza with an alfredo sauce, mozzarella, frozen (defrosted) spinach, and onions. Yum!
Then after church and dinner, we met up with friends in Fort Tryon Park.
Where we played a rousing game of Bocce Ball which we won of course. Can you see the red ball down there?
Disclaimer: This happened a few weeks ago. I'm working through it and feeling much better, but I wrote this in the middle of the bad. I wanted to post it because I feel like so many women experience this and I don't know why it feels like this shameful thing at times. It wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could have done differently. The more women I talk about it with, the more I learn have either experienced it or have a very close friend or relative who has. It's going to be okay, but the loneliness that in part comes from the shame that surrounds the experience is not.
One of the worst feelings in the world, must be that moment
when you’re reclining back on that stupid exam table with your legs spread,
waiting to hear your first baby’s heartbeat for the very first time, and you
see a circle on the screen and realize, there’s nothing else. You glance at the
doctor because maybe you just don’t understand what’s going on and you see her
mouth go into a thin concerned line. She lightly says “well there’s no
heartbeat” and proceeds to move that uncomfortable wand around your woman bits
trying to poke a heart beat into that empty circle. She softly says “maybe a
blighted ovum” and that you’ll need to come back next week because maybe the
dates are off, but as of right now, there’s a sac, but no baby.
No baby.
Just an empty circle that’s been playing mind games with
you. Making you pee all the time, making you hungry for second breakfast at
10:30am, 2nd lunch at 3:30pm and pre-dinner snack at 5pm, and making
you feel full and curvy and beautiful.
Did you make those symptoms up? Are you delusional in wanting a baby so
much you completely convinced yourself that you had pregnancy symptoms?
No baby.
You keep it together in the office and take it in stride.
“Okay come back next week and double check and if not, then you’ll give me the
pills to have a miscarriage. Sounds good.” You get dressed quickly; make your
appointment for next week and walk down the hall to the elevator and outside,
trying not to catch your husband’s eye. He pulls you aside in a doorway and
says, “Come here.” And you cry a little but then pull it back together because
you’ve got a 30 minute subway ride surrounded by strangers to get through
before you’re safe at home.
No baby.
You get home and finally, you cry in your husband’s arms.
Because there’s no baby, because you’re apparently delusional, because you have
an empty sac taking up space and preventing you from trying for another baby,
because there never actually was a baby, and because how can you be sad for
something you never really had.
No baby.
And you’re angry with your body. You felt beautiful and
gorgeous not four hours earlier and now your body has made a joke of you. Why
didn’t you just miscarry before it had been a month of happiness and planning
and hoping? Why did you think you had pregnancy symptoms? Why after months of
trying? Why didn’t I work right?
No baby.
You wake up in the middle of the night googling “pregnancy
symptoms with a blighted ovum” to make sure that you weren’t actually
delusional and crazy thinking that you had pregnancy symptoms while not
technically being pregnant with a baby. Just a circle. A very empty circle.
No baby.
You head to work and try not to cry. You sit down in a seat
on the subway probably taking it from an old lady, but you’re trying not to cry. You walk
into the building making small talk with the one girl who knew you were
pregnant and pretend (poorly) that everything is fine. The nurse sees you look
like crap and asks what’s wrong. You try not to cry while making up a stupid
excuse. You can’t talk to patients, you can’t talk to co-workers, but
eventually you feel slightly under control. You finally explain it to the
nurse. She says all the right things to normalize it. “It’ll be okay. It
happened to me too. You’re young. You have a husband who loves you.” And she’s
right.
No baby.
But, you still have a husband who loves you. And a dog who
cuddles. And a turtle who entertains. And hope. And faith. It hurts. It is sad.
It is hard. But you know it was a trial run. There’s a little someone who
wanted to make sure you were ready. Wanted to make sure it was something you
really wanted. And you know that someday, somehow you will have that little
someone and there will be a baby.
On Saturday we couldn't decide what to do. But eventually Central Park was decided upon and we brought the Fitz with us. I couldn't quite get my camera settings right but I absolutely love how lush and green the East Coast gets in the spring and summer.
I'm mildly obsessed with the trees lining the mall in the park. They're so tall and so incredibly twisty! Why are they so twisty while still reaching up?
They're my faves
Of course we stopped by the fountain.
Then we found a nice grassy spot in the sun with a little fence around it. Dan got hungry for some Fitz.
Reginald Fitzwilliam.
It was a nice afternoon of sitting around
Playing with the pup and laughing at him sneezing with allergies
And cuddles.
It was a good way to fall back in love with NYC after all of our travels.
Came home, washed the dog, cleaned, showered, ironed, watched Bones on netflix, painted my nails, made cookies...
I met Dan down in Korea town for yummy Korean. We came home and picked up a few groceries and I randomly grabbed some nesquick! I can't remember the last time I actually drank that deliciousness!
Sunday had lots of puppy snuggles...
I made a white pizza with an alfredo sauce, mozzarella, frozen (defrosted) spinach, and onions. Yum!
Where we played a rousing game of Bocce Ball which we won of course. Can you see the red ball down there?
And we walked home to our bridge.
It was the perfect new start.
