This first year of motherhood has been so short and yet never ending. Boring, but exciting. Overwhelming, but natural. Hard, but easy. So high, but so low. All of those things within a five minute span.
Things that stand out the most:
-Seeing and holding Marjorie for the first time and just wanting to enjoy her but yelling at the doctor every few minutes because getting stitched up was the worst. Why do they have to ruin that sweet first half hour with getting your lady bits poked and prodded?
-The first few days in the hospital and wondering if I was "connected" with her, but also knowing she was always supposed to be mine. It wasn't a big "shift" for me, she was just finally here.
-The day my mom left after being with us for M's first three weeks. It was also Mother's Day. I cried a lot, and then it was okay because it let me get to know Marjorie better so I could be the expert instead of relying on mom.
-Feeling like I was going to loose my mind during Marjorie's screaming days. I felt so overwhelmed with just trying to get her to stop crying and not knowing if I was doing something wrong, while trying to follow all the books and trying to follow my "mommy instinct." Those first 6 months were dang hard.
-Turning around and seeing that Marjorie had finally flipped over. Her little face lit up because she was so dang proud of herself. It took her a while because she hated tummy time.
-Watching my family and friends from back home all love on Marjorie. Pretty dang validating : )
-Sunday morning family cuddles. Those are some of the sweetest moments. Waking up and nursing her in bed and then all of us just cuddling in the dim light. I could never take a picture that perfectly captured how tender and perfect those moments were. To have my whole life cuddled with me in a queen sized bed was beautiful.
-watching her fall in love with books. I love reading and seeing her fascination with pulling down all her books and slowly (or quickly) flipping through them is the best.
Things I wish I knew before:
-I wish I knew that it
would all be okay. I have to constantly re-learn this lesson. It's so
hard for me to not read something or talk to someone and then wonder if
I'm doing it all wrong. When she was little it was the screaming and
gassiness. Then it was the refusing to take naps. Then it was the
difficulty with digesting solids. Then it was the not sleeping through
the night. Then it was the finickiness of toddler-hood already
manifesting itself. She may scream and be gassy, and it's hard, but
she'll grow out of it. She may refuse to eat anything that isn't orange,
but she'll probably (hopefully!) grow out of it.
-Some phases
last longer than others, but they're all phases. There is so much to
come! And there is so much I will miss. I miss the cuddling when she was
tiny, but I don't miss the screaming. I love the interacting and
watching her play now, but I don't enjoy the beginning of tantrums.
There is a give and take.
Things I learned:
-You will literally forget the pain. The first 3-5 months, I could physically remember what labor and delivery felt like and how not fun it was. Now? I can't remember at all, which is how people have more than one child (not an announcement!).
-You can try to follow books, but just use them as guidelines because most likely your baby will not fit the mold and you will go crazy trying to get her to fit that mold and wonder what you're doing wrong.
-She'll be okay. She may be screaming and she might scream for a good long while, but either you will figure out what's wrong, or she'll grow out of it. And she won't die in the process.
-People (family : ) will make fun of your "spoiled" baby who refuses to nap on the go, who doesn't get woken up early from naps to get to things on time, who is on the receiving end of all your thoughts and study on what you "should" be doing. But, she is the first, she is special. All subsequent babies are special too in their own way. This is how she is special, getting all that ridiculous, over the top, ambitious, first time parent attention.
-You will learn how to function on minimal/super broken up sleep for a really long time. And when you stop being able to function and all you can think about is when you'll be able to sleep next, that is when you sleep train and you will all be happier because of it.
-You will always wonder if you're doing enough. But if she is happy and healthy, it is enough. When you learn something else you can try, you try it and move forward. I struggle with regretting what I should/shouldn't have done. I am constantly trying to learn that it is enough.
-You need to take care of your husband too. It's okay to have an identity separate from being a mom, and it's important that your husband comes first. Because he will still be here when your baby grows up and moves away and finds her person. Dan is my person and I have to nurture that relationship even more than the nurturing I do with Marjorie.
-You will love. Your life will be full of it. And it will feel even sweeter because of the hardness of raising a child.
And now lots and lots of crappy phone pictures of my first year as a mom because where else will I show them off? I have no idea how to lay these out prettier, so here you are.
Motherhood is all I've ever wanted and I'm so grateful I have this opportunity.
